Changing faces.

Seems like noone uses this anymore.
www.liveoutlive.tumblr.com

Just so you know.

You've absolutely destroyed me. You're always the last thing on my mind.

I can't go back, not now - You are not who you say you are.

Walking away is a burden best left for quitters. I cant get up, let go, and move on; Inside I am weak, and dwelling constantly in a state of "what-if's" and "forget-me-not's".

"I have eyes that never close, I have fear that I can never show. I am weak inside, I am broken. I am broken"




I dont know what to do. Someone, anywhere, give me a little grace. My biggest let down is that

I still love you.

Cursed.

Rethink, over-think, reanalyze, over-analyze, repeat.


I am cursed.

Don't say

Its up to me. I can dish it, but I just can't take it.
I'm looking for the upsides.

AngstAngstAngst.

You dont belong here, and you never have. Im tired of you being the plague amongst us, and I cant sit here and let you rip this apart. Excuse me for being dramatic, but you haven't done a single thing for anyone since you ran off, you were never worth the time anyway.

I wish

I wish I could have been there from the start. Before the hurt, before the let downs, heart breaks, lies, and the heartless. I wish I could've shown you something different, something more than what you know - shown you that whats written in stone is not written in blood, and your histories are meant to stay there. Your past will not haunt you this time; I will not give up. Theres still so much more of your life that I want to be apart of, I just wish I knew how to tell you.

No saving grace.

I cant hide this feeling no matter how hard I try. I cant describe it, or leave it, or work on it. It stays no matter how hard I try, and whats worse - I don't even know what it is. Its affecting everything in my life, including things that make me the happiest. I feel almost as if Ive somehow lost myself in the midst of it all. I have to find a way out of this mess, but I cant figure out what I dont know. I wish so badly I could talk to you, but I cant even explain. I just hope you keep that faith in me that you once had - I'm still here, somewhere.

Maybe I just need to suck it up.

I miss night skates.

Alot of WF songs really hit home to me. I can sit and listen to the same songs over and over again, and remember parts of my life that I couldn't by other means - even things I dont want to live through again.

"Won't you give this thing a chance, you are not what you were when you were young"

Swimming through loopholes.

I cant stop retracing my steps slowly moving backwards looking for a loophole of sorts to subside this ache. I wish I could take back some of the things I had said, but I don't have the means. I wish I could rewind, forget the past and live smiling for the future. I wish we could just get past this. I wish you would talk to me.

I hate the feeling of hearing my phone ring, and it's not you. Im a mess.

Sad Waltzes

could you love someone enough
after all you've had and you've lost?
it's a simple question
I'm only asking 'cause I don't want to die alone

could you love someone completely?
and yes, by someone; I mean me
spoiled sick like milk you let sit too long
it's a simple question
as I lie awake waiting for you to lay beside me
I can almost hear the sad waltzes of Pietro Crespi

could you love someone who does whatever he wants to do
whenever I want to?
it's a simple question
I'm only asking 'cause I don't want to die alone

This is not what Im feeling.

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

You know what you are to me, don't make me say it

You know that feeling where theres a lump in your throat and no matter what process you take to make sense of something, it just never does? Why do I try so hard to explain the explainable? I always took pride in my ability to communicate through words, but lately I cant make sense from "mad" to "sad", its just a giant blurred word for "fucked up." I cant go a second without wondering what else I shouldve said, and as soon as the right thing comes to mind, I'm hours, a headache, and bloodshot eyes too late. Always falling just short of the goal.

I'll keep trying, always. I'm just not apologizing.

I wish it was just another rainy day. I like the days best when they fit my mood. I'm sorry.

That which wasnt said.

There's so much to write. But where to begin..


Being with you is like a summer day. Sometimes I wonder if I'm moving this too quickly, like I want something more than I really do. As if I was lost before I found you, or you found me, and all I want to do is find my way home.. But then you smile, and lips whisper forming a sentence that brings me right back to reality. Part of me wonders if this is a seasonal affair, even when you tell me its a forever strive, like I have become accustomed to - but if it requires to me to forsake all others, I'll do that and more. I know when you read this, that will make you smile. And know that I'm smiling right back. Im falling.

and I'm scared. But excited. You are still, and always will be the most beautiful girl in the world.

Stumble.

I find that I never really post great bands that I find along the way - especially hardcore bands.

Recently I found Expire while lurking through Hellfish records. Take a listen to the three songs they have on their Myspace.

www.myspace.com/expirehc

or just click here for the demo link.

Foresake/forget all others

I hope the days get longer. Time spent anywhere else is starting to feel like time wasted.

Whats next for me?

This photograph was taken by my friend James Morgan:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jamesmorganphoto

I hope you understand..

Experience has taught me that wishful thinking only leads to disappointment.

A fall from grace.

I haven't posted in some time.

Im unsure of my future and what it holds for me. I always knew what I wanted when I was younger, and it always seemed like its in arms reach. The older I grow, the further things seem to fall. I listen to the same bands, and the same songs every night expecting for some sort of answer, and I don't know why. My comfort is fleeting. Hello uncertainty.

I guess there's a lot happening in my life I should be happy about. My sister comes home from England tomorrow, and I've been seeing this girl that I'm really starting to like a lot. I think its fucked that we're expected not to appreciate what we've got 'til its gone. I'm going to spend some time working on this - or at least try.


“I’m nineteen years young and my mind is weathered. I’m nineteen years young and things aren’t getting any clearer.”

—	The Carrier

Autumn leaves.

Shake me away like Autumn leaves. Leave me bare, unbroken, salvaged. I have buried you as a time of day, as a memory fleeting under me. Let your love flow through me, let me bear those burdens. Break me down, build me as a house to keep you warm, safe.

Sink or Swim

Alots happening right now so I guess I have alot to write - but in all fairness I just dont have the energy to write it all down. The long weekend was unreal. My new tattoo is already almost healed, and I am the happiest Ive been in along time. Cant wait for the next couple months. Summer forever, winter neveeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.

You wont read this, and I know you never will.

Despite our unwillingness to cooperate with eachother at times, and our sometimes lacking Father-Son relationship - I still look up to you, Dad. Thanks for always being there, even when I gave you little to believe in.

All my friends are in bar bands.

Ive had this in my head all day, and needed to get it out somewhere. If you haven't listened to the pop-punk band 'The Wonder Years', definitely check them out. They've put out a couple EP's and splits with Bangarang! and All or Nothing, plus they can be heard on a sweet Kid Dynamite tribute record called "Carry The Torch".
www.myspace.com/thewonderyears.



This song is the last track on their newest release "The Upsides" which will likely be playing on your friends stereos all summer long. There are some rad guest vocals from David McKinder from Fireworks, as well as a couple others. They're coming to Toronto soon, so if youre reading this, I expect to hear you singing that last part with me.

Secret spots.

Today was another solid day. I woke up to Title Fight playing quietly, and when I went upstairs it was so hot I couldnt have been more thankful to walk around in my underwear. After lounging around the house for a bit I got a good hours skate in, went down to talk to Jay about my tattoo tomorrow, and then went to visit this girl Ive been seeing in Barrie. I dont really know what to call us, but whatever it is, Im happy and as far as I know, so is she. She met me at the terminal wearing a short summer dress that literally made me stop walking, and totally forget anything I had planned to do for the day. After a forever hug, and a hello kiss, she showed me this bracelet she made me. Most people would've been kinda weirded out by being 22 and getting a homemade bracelet, but Im really into cute stuff, and it made my entire day. After getting some energy drinks (Monster, which I have now relapsed my addiction for. SUPSUMMA) and heading down to the park, we started to walk back to the terminal and ended up just walking down along the waterfront of Barrie talking about life, and how rad it would be to be Iron Man. This all included holding hands, and the odd kiss here and there while we walked from park to park, until we jumped on the walking trail to check out this little beach she told me about. Along the way we found little steps to this old dock way down at this bottom of the hill, so we had to check it out. This place was surreal. I mean, something you read from a book or something. The water was calm, and you couldnt hear a single person. I wish the water had been warm enough to swim in, another couple weeks I think. The bugs were a little ridiculous, but Im not demading perfection here. After talking about plans to come back and have a picnic/hangout here in the future, I started to skip stones while she picked me out the best ones. After a few solid throws I decided that she needs to know how to learn this skill, so I found a few good, flat ones and after a few fails she seemed a little discouraged and some pointers were in order. I showed her the basics, but we were starting to get restless, and wanted to head to this beach, so we said goodbye to our spot for the time being. We found the beach, but I was a little discouraged to get sand into my shoes so after taking the longest walk back to her house, and a few stops at parks here and there to check out swings and benches, we both collapsed on her bed to hangout for the rest of the night. I came home a couple hours ago with the worst tshirt tan, I intend on fixing this reaaaaaaaaaaaally soon. Looking back, I hope my summer is filled with more of these days. Im really looking forward to the rest of 2010.



By the way, I intend on teaching her how to skip before the end of the summer. Mark my words.



Later days.

The is a Get Up Kids post.

"Im still breaking old habits"

This song has gotten me through alot over the past couple years. Not even this song, but the entire album/band. If you get a chance - download/buy/borrow "Something to write home about". I may not write for a couple days, we'll see what happens. In advanced, this weekend is going to rule.

...and I cant wait to see you again Friday night. No care.

Keep / (I still have it)

Keep your hand on my chest, and the tea close to your lips. Keep your legs lost in mine, and hair tangling in my hand. Keep your ears close to these lips, most beautiful girl - Im far from finished.

Catch me when I fall, 'cause I float like a cannonball.

O.

"I could wait for you
Like that hole in your boot
Waiting to be fixed
I could wait for you
What good would that do
But to leave me bruised?"

Forever bike rides.

Today was pretty rad. I mean, It couldve been better but in comparison to most, I couldnt complain if I wanted to. The weather was awesome, and my heart felt a little less weighted, as well as working weekends means I can just slack and give zero fucks about anything. Paul: 1 - Work: 0. When I got home I had this feeling of just wanting to be outside forever. It didn't matter what I was doing, or who I was with - just that my skin felt the spring/summer mixed air. I took my sister out for a bike ride to places that I hadn't been since my Dad used to take me back when we actually gave a shit about doing things together. It didn't even matter that I was using a bike too small for me, or that the tires felt as if they hadn't been used in seasons, or that I didn't even know what to talk to my sister about anymore - we just biked for over an hour. I probably would've gone longer, but I knew she had to be home in time to get ready for bed, and well rested for school tomorrow. It made me realize that I wasted a lot of time in her younger years being selfish and not watching her grow up. She's two years away from highschool, and a blonde-haired, blue eyed athletic girl. Shes two years away from not wanting to go on forever bike rides with her going-nowhere, tattooed brother. Shes two years away from starting her life, really. Its funny, it seems like the more I grow up, the less I want to be apart from watching her come into her own. From watching her meet her first boyfriend, and first day of high school. Im waiting for her first heartbreak the same way I'm waiting for someone to break mine - hoping it never happens, but knowing we're all destined to break. I wish I had been here years ago, helping her through every stage of her life. Been there when she'd call and tell me that she missed me. Been there when I had promised I would. I don't exactly know what this is supposed to mean, but she taught me a lot about time spent, and what being "there" really means.. She's 10 years younger, and still taking me to school the same way she did the day she was born. Tasha, you won't read this, but dont let this world let those blue eyes turn gray. Life is hard, but you're stronger - remember that.

To be young again.

Hammock - Breathturn from David Altobelli on Vimeo.

My friend Esther sent me this. Make me a kid for forever

Starting over.

This is probably my fourth attempt at keeping an up-to-date blog and I'd be lying if I said I was being entirely honest about everything Ive written in the past. I was always leading up to something that I knew I wasn't. Trying to impress someone that I didn't actually care about as much as I thought. I was trying to fulfill my, well - rather boring life with something a little more exciting. I started wanting to write a blog to get my feelings out, and help myself make sense of whatever is going on in this head. So, I'm starting over. If this blog bores you, I apologize, just find something else. But if you take an interest, Ill try to let you into my life, and maybe introduce you to some new bands, or artwork or whatever.

Things are finally starting to look up. I met someone that makes me happy, Ive started to appreciate things that I hadn't before, and I'm finally starting to feel okay about myself.

My names Paul Benjamin Evans, if you didn't read below. Im 22, and trying to figure out my life. Its a task easier said than done, but Im not rushing anything. Im a little misunderstood at times, and my history always comes back to haunt me - but then again, who isnt/doesnt these days. Whatever. I love hardcore, and skateboarding, movies and tattoos, and whatever else makes me smile. I dont really like winter, but im starting to work on that and I really hate cold feet.

Hope you stick around.