Don't say

Its up to me. I can dish it, but I just can't take it.
I'm looking for the upsides.

AngstAngstAngst.

You dont belong here, and you never have. Im tired of you being the plague amongst us, and I cant sit here and let you rip this apart. Excuse me for being dramatic, but you haven't done a single thing for anyone since you ran off, you were never worth the time anyway.

I wish

I wish I could have been there from the start. Before the hurt, before the let downs, heart breaks, lies, and the heartless. I wish I could've shown you something different, something more than what you know - shown you that whats written in stone is not written in blood, and your histories are meant to stay there. Your past will not haunt you this time; I will not give up. Theres still so much more of your life that I want to be apart of, I just wish I knew how to tell you.

No saving grace.

I cant hide this feeling no matter how hard I try. I cant describe it, or leave it, or work on it. It stays no matter how hard I try, and whats worse - I don't even know what it is. Its affecting everything in my life, including things that make me the happiest. I feel almost as if Ive somehow lost myself in the midst of it all. I have to find a way out of this mess, but I cant figure out what I dont know. I wish so badly I could talk to you, but I cant even explain. I just hope you keep that faith in me that you once had - I'm still here, somewhere.

Maybe I just need to suck it up.

I miss night skates.

Alot of WF songs really hit home to me. I can sit and listen to the same songs over and over again, and remember parts of my life that I couldn't by other means - even things I dont want to live through again.

"Won't you give this thing a chance, you are not what you were when you were young"

Swimming through loopholes.

I cant stop retracing my steps slowly moving backwards looking for a loophole of sorts to subside this ache. I wish I could take back some of the things I had said, but I don't have the means. I wish I could rewind, forget the past and live smiling for the future. I wish we could just get past this. I wish you would talk to me.

I hate the feeling of hearing my phone ring, and it's not you. Im a mess.

Sad Waltzes

could you love someone enough
after all you've had and you've lost?
it's a simple question
I'm only asking 'cause I don't want to die alone

could you love someone completely?
and yes, by someone; I mean me
spoiled sick like milk you let sit too long
it's a simple question
as I lie awake waiting for you to lay beside me
I can almost hear the sad waltzes of Pietro Crespi

could you love someone who does whatever he wants to do
whenever I want to?
it's a simple question
I'm only asking 'cause I don't want to die alone

This is not what Im feeling.

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

You know what you are to me, don't make me say it

You know that feeling where theres a lump in your throat and no matter what process you take to make sense of something, it just never does? Why do I try so hard to explain the explainable? I always took pride in my ability to communicate through words, but lately I cant make sense from "mad" to "sad", its just a giant blurred word for "fucked up." I cant go a second without wondering what else I shouldve said, and as soon as the right thing comes to mind, I'm hours, a headache, and bloodshot eyes too late. Always falling just short of the goal.

I'll keep trying, always. I'm just not apologizing.